Chronic back pain and 'The Lord of the Rings' — Ervolino

Today’s word, which is often moaned, groaned, cried out or shrieked, is used to express sudden pain and/or extreme discomfort, and dates back to the mid-17th century.

It is often followed by an exclamation point.

(Yes! It! Is!)

And — FINAL CLUE — it rhymes with grouch, vouch and pouch.

Not to mention “couch,” which is one place I often say it, and “grouch,” which is what I feel like at the time.

The word is "OUCH," and, yes, I say it a lot, thanks to my aching back.

(Have you ever been at home at night, watching TV, with the windows open, and heard someone scream “Ouch” in the distance? That was probably me.)

My back woes began when I was 17 years old, after I was involved in a car accident. I had been a licensed driver for barely one month and was sitting in traffic, perfectly still, in my junky 1963 Buick Special, when I was struck from behind by a brand-new Cadillac, which still had its price tag in the window.

The Cadillac’s hood, amazingly enough, looked like an accordion. The engine was sputtering and steam was pouring out of it.

My Buick Special had a dent in its rear bumper that was roughly the size of a fingernail.

A miracle? Not quite.

Moments after the crash, other motorists deserted their vehicles and ran over to see if I was OK.

Why wouldn’t I be OK?

“You hit the windshield,” one good Samaritan informed me.

“I did?” I answered, shakily. I had no recollection of doing any such thing.

The year was 1972, and my ’63 Buick had no seat belts. All these years later, I’m still not sure if I hit that windshield or not. (But I was darned happy that I didn’t look like that poor Cadillac.)

What I do recall is that I was later diagnosed with a mild concussion and a lifetime’s worth of neck and back pain.

The worst thing about chronic back pain is the pain itself.

The second-worst thing about chronic back pain is PEOPLE. This includes people who have never had back pain and have no idea what you’re whining about; people who also have chronic back pain and insist their excruciating pain is 50 times more excruciating than yours; and, finally, people who insist on giving you advice about your pain … which triggers another pain.

Those people mean well, of course, but their advice rarely works for you. This is because dealing with back pain is a bit like “The Lord of the Rings” — an endless journey that will grind on and on until you have a white beard down to your kneecaps.

In the 52 years since my accident, I have been struck from behind three additional times, most recently by a panel truck that was, in turn, struck by a Jeep.

Ouch.

In the ensuing years, I have been X-rayed, MRI-ed and subjected to an assortment of analgesics, muscle relaxers and magical salves.

And in all these decades, because of all this pain, I learned to do everything wrong. I learned to stand incorrectly, walk incorrectly, lie down incorrectly and say “Ouch” like a grouch whenever I sit down on my couch incorrectly.

(When your back is screwed up, doing all of these things correctly never feels right.)

Docs have since told me I have arthritis, stenosis, scoliosis and all sorts of distressing types of disk distress.

I had some success in the early 1990s at a sports medicine center. Last year, a chiropractor in Fort Lee was also helpful. Most recently, I saw a pain management doc who suggested I get an epidural to ease the pain.

Is that a cure, though?

No. And, even though a few friends who were pleased with their epidurals recommended I get one, too, other friends were less enthusiastic.

Why have I chosen this point in history to discuss my back?

Because it’s been aching a lot more than usual lately — Ouch! — and because I am traveling in a couple of months, probably late May, to Europe.

A European trip means endless walking, more walking, carrying heavy luggage and sitting on strange, uncomfortable surfaces. And that’s before you even leave the airport.

In an effort to whip my back back into shape, I am embarking on a program that I’m calling A Little Bit of Everything.

This involves all the things I’m supposed to do for my back but, somehow, never seem to do for more than a few days.

It involves exercise, stretching, chiropractic care, massage therapy, acupuncture, hot compresses, cold compresses, wearing braces, rolling around the floor on a medicine ball, etc.

Please wish me luck.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, in 1972 I did sue the owner of the Cadillac that started all of this and was awarded a whopping, staggering $1,000 for all my pain and suffering.

Yeah. Ouch.

This article originally appeared on NorthJersey.com: Chronic back pain is no joke. Here's how Ervolino deals with it