‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Episode 6 Recap: Cruising For A Bruising

Warning: This recap of the “Bon Voyage” episode of The New Celebrity Apprentice contains spoilers.

I’ve tried as hard as I can to keep politics out of these recaps, which is particularly challenging given the current POTUS is the former host, and current executive producer, of the show I’m recapping. Still, I’ve primarily focused on frivolous topics like Boy George’s addiction to enormous hats, Vince Neil’s obsession with go-go dancers, and where David Charvet ranks on the douche scale (at the top end, if you’re wondering). But then last week, this happened…

No, that’s not Alec Baldwin, that is the real, bonafide President Trump dedicating a chunk of his National Prayer Breakfast address to Arnold Schwarzenegger and the flailing Celebrity Apprentice ratings. As Trump keeps reminding us, viewers are at an all time low, much like this year’s presidential inauguration. I mean, he’s right, unless NBC has got some alternative ratings, although Trump failed to acknowledge that the show was on a steady decline while he was still at the helm. But why let facts get in the way of a good old presidential roast?

Then things got even better (or worse depending on perspective) when Arnold responded…

How am I supposed to ignore this? It’s far more entertaining than anything that’s happened on the show this season (apart from George’s off-camera meltdown, which we’ll get to later). In fact, NBC should drop The Celebrity Apprentice and go ahead with Arnie’s suggestion. Call it Celebrity Job Swap; now that’s a ratings winner if I’ve ever heard one. And don’t just stop at the president, go wild, let’s have Porsha Williams swap places with the Queen of England. Porsha can walk her majesty’s corgis around the grounds of Buckingham Palace while Liz learns how to catfight with the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Television gold.

With all the Arnold vs. Donald drama, it was appropriate that this episode featured a man named Arnold Donald. You couldn’t make that up if you tried. I like to think that the entire reason the producers did a task involving Carnival Cruise Lines was strictly due to the company’s CEO having a scarily pertinent name. It couldn’t have been any more fitting unless he was called Trump Schwarzenegger.

But before we go cruising, Jessica Alba has some skin lotion she wants to sell you…

The final four were split into two teams, Brooke Burke-Charvet and Boy George vs. Laila Ali and Matt Iseman, and their task was to promote a line of chemical-free products from Jessica Alba’s Honest Company. Each pair had to perform a live demo in a makeshift kitchen while being judged on brand knowledge, creativity, and overall execution.

As the Project Manager, George didn’t just want to write another song (although he still did), he wanted to think outside the box. His idea was to incorporate his Buddhist beliefs into the presentation. That’s right, a religion that aims to reject material goods and consumerism in the search for higher truth was used to hawk celebrity-endorsed stain remover. So George spent the majority of the first-hour chanting and striking his singing bowl. I’m sure this practice is gorgeous and mesmerizing when performed by a monk in a Buddhist temple, but when Boy George did it, he just looked like a witch casting a spell over a tiny cauldron.

Brooke felt like George was disorganized, and struggled to get him to focus. She couldn’t even get him to use a tape measure properly. Although let’s be honest, George probably measures things in hat size rather than in inches. “Yeah, that wall is about four Fedoras long and three Capotains wide.” Despite their conflicting work styles and lack of rehearsal George and Brooke pulled off an engaging demonstration that was both creative and surprisingly philosophical. Who knew that polishing was the key to enlightenment?

Laila and Matt, on the other hand, went a safer route. Laila is a serious woman who likes serious things — like punching people in the face. Matt is silly and likes Harry Potter and butts and sending flirty texts to Brooke. While Matt tried to inject some creativity into the demo, Laila wanted to keep focused on the product, promoting the brand through a more personal touch. But the executives said it came across a bit “infomercial” — albeit an infomercial where Matt talked about his fictional girlfriend suffering from skin rashes. In the boardroom, Arnold took into account each celebrity’s past performances and decided that Laila should be the next one terminated.

But Arnold wasn’t done terminating. Soon after Laila was dismissed, the final three were summoned back into the boardroom where they each had to plead their case to the bossman. Arnold kept asking them if they had what it took to be the “ultimate fighter.” That’s a different show Arnie; you should have kept Chael if you wanted to turn this into a cage fighting competition. Oh, and let’s not forget, he once again crowbarred in a story about his bodybuilding days. I swear he’s obsessed. You know that bit in The Simpsons where they show inside Homer’s brain, and it’s just the monkey toy banging cymbals together? A peek into Arnold’s brain would undoubtedly reveal a tiny Arnie in speedos flexing his pecs.

Anyway, Brooke was terminated with little fanfare, and we were down to our final two, Matt and George. Matt has been the front-runner for a while now, so I wasn’t surprised to see him as a finalist, and George has been one of the few entertaining celebrities on this cast, and he proved his worth at the end of this episode with an exceptional diva strop. But what could provoke such a sensational breakdown? Did someone step on his hat? Did Vince Neil return wafting a glass of Chardonnay under George’s nose? No, there’s only one thing that could cause such a volatile reaction – a cruise ship entertainer.

The final task involved producing an ad campaign and 15-minute variety show for Carnival Cruise Lines while also raising as many funds as possible for charity. If you cast your minds back to earlier in the season, and by God, I know that is hard, you’ll remember that Boy George is a fundraising machine, which puts Matt at a severe disadvantage. If things weren’t already unfair for poor Matt, he was then saddled with a true Motley Crüe of a team, and it didn’t even include the guy from Motley Crüe! On Matt’s team, we had, Carrie Keagan, Carnie Wilson, and Kyle Richards. Don’t worry, I barely remember them either, but I do recall that Carrie and Carnie were the first two people eliminated.

In comparison, George’s team was an all-star lineup. Carson Kressley, Laila Ali, and Porsha Williams, who all made at least the Final 8. On top of that, Carson revealed himself to be a cruise expert, he’s done them all, including three or four swinger cruises: “They’re great — still have a little itch, though.” I said it last week, but it bears repeating, Carson is great, and he should be on TV more regularly making witty asides.

Matt struggled coming up with a creative pitch for the campaign; he was more worried about getting all the shots for the brochure finished in time. Meanwhile, George mostly left Carson in charge while he called potential donors and variety show performers. If it weren’t for George’s tantrum, my favorite part of the episode would have been the two ladies sat watching George while he phoned his celeb pals and cursed at his laptop screen. I think the Celebrity Apprentice would improve considerably if Arnold made these two ladies his permanent boardroom advisers.

However, that wasn’t the best part, oh no, because we had the infamous keyboard scandal of 2017. Not since Tom Hanks danced on the walking piano in Big has a keyboard caused such a stir. After creating yet another original jingle, this time all about the wonders of cruising, George required a keyboardist to help turn his idea into something resembling an actual song. Now, a lot of bands fall out over creative differences, but it’s usually years into their career. These two had creative differences the moment they shook hands. They passive-aggressively bickered about what key the song should be in; George tried humming the melody, the keyboardist attempted to alter it. In the end, George got up and walked out.

No big deal you might be thinking, George practices Buddhism, I’m sure he just went to meditate with his singing bowl. Nope. He stormed off to give an ear lashing to a producer. “I can’t have a keyboard player f**king telling me how to write my songs,” he snapped. Maybe George had developed cabin fever? He had been on that ship for at least an hour. The producer tried to calm him down and suggested he return to the room. “No, I’m not going into the room to have a row with the guy for your pleasure!” George, you know what this show is, right? But he wasn’t through ranting. “I want him to get out of the room. Well, either that or I’ll just go. It’s up to you. You want me to leave the show? Then get rid of him. I didn’t choose him; you chose him.”

Safe to say, that is the cliffhanger the penultimate episode of the season ended on. Will George stay? Will he toss the unflinching keyboardist overboard? Will Matt drag his team of misfit losers to victory? Will Carnival Cruise CEO Arnold Donald peel off his skin to reveal a cyborg amalgamation of President Trump and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Whatever happens, I’m sure we will hear about how it totally sucked in the next presidential address.

The New Celebrity Apprentice airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on NBC. Watch clips and full episodes of Celebrity Apprentice on Yahoo View.