The Bachelorette recap: Rose rage
Today’s the day, rose lovers! It’s finally time for Andi to decide which four families will receive the pleasure of her company—for one visit, at least.
Dude, we’re in Brussels. The airport must have been having a special on flouncy man-scarves, because now Nick and Chris and Marcus are sporting them. Something about those dubious accessories works for Andi, though, because Marcus gets the first one-on-one date. (Thankfully he ditches the scarf before heading out with his lady.)
The theme of Marcus’ date is can he stick around, or does the fact that he told Andi a while ago that he was thinking of leaving mean he’s going to bolt the first time things get tough in their “relationship”? The topic comes up immediately, as Marcus reveals that he’s been writing in his journal all about his complicated feelings for her. (Side note: Journal is not a verb, Andi. Marcus has been writing in his journal, not journaling.) The whole “should I stay or should I go?” thing, Marcus continues, was about his fear of getting hurt, or something. But now: “I’m in love with you, so it’s full throttle from here.” Dude, maybe play a little hard to get.
Then again, Marcus does have abandonment issues, as he reveals to Andi over dinner. His dad split years ago with no explanation, so you can’t really blame the guy. And that’s the least disturbing thing we learn about Marcus’ family: “[My grandparents] wanted the best for my mom, honestly, and they beat it into her—literally. So that’s kind of how my mom did it to us.” Oh Lord, Marcus, that’s awful—but I gotta say, it’s a risky way to sell Andi on a hometown date. The Bachelorette, though, finds his resilience and honesty endlessly appealing. “There is no rose on today’s date, but I am excited and ready to meet his family.”
Back at the hotel, the date card arrives and much to everyone’s chagrin, Josh gets the next one-on-one. But Nick decides if the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, Mohammed is going to stalk the mountain. He slips out of the hotel room and heads to the lobby, where he proceeds to tell the desk clerk a pathetically unconvincing lie: He lost his room key and has forgotten everything else about his life except his wife’s name, Andi Dorfman. The clerk patiently puts up with this charade and reveals the Bachelorette’s room number—either because security is extremely lax in Brussels or because the producers slipped her €20 and asked her to just go with it.
Knock knock knock! There’s a jackass in a leather jacket at the door! Andi is understandably flummoxed by Nick’s sudden, unsanctioned appearance. “Is everything okay?” she asks, no doubt concerned that he was about to pull a Sharleen. But no, Nick just wanted a little extra time with Andi, and she LOVES it. They take a short walk in the dark, quiet city, and make out against a tree.
The next day, Andi greets Josh in Ghent, and she’s wearing the same tight white pants she sported on Marcus’ date. (I like a lady who packs light.) The Bachelorette’s goal for the day is simple: get Josh to “open up” about his “feelings.” What Andi doesn’t know is that Team Bachelorette has secretly replaced Josh’s feelings with this. Will she notice? Let’s listen in and find out…
NEXT: Josh spits out the magic words
Over baguettes, Andi presses Josh over about how comfortable he is being vulnerable. “This is very tough,” he mumbles between bites. “You’re what I’m here for, but it’s tough at the same time.” Survey says: Not good enough! “I have two guys, Nick and Marcus, who are ready to get married, and I don’t feel like Josh is at that point yet,” laments Andi. If he doesn’t pony up some emotional currency soon—specifically he needs to say words that include “falling,” “love,” and “you”—or else it’ll be ixnay on the ometown-hey for Josh. Not that the Bachelorette is going to leave this to chance; she plans to lead Josh right up to the edge of the water and then shove his head under. “What kind of questions will [your family] ask you?” she inquires, and when he (naturally) includes “How I feel about you” in his answer, she pounces: “What are you gonna tell ’em?” Thankfully, Josh gives the correct answer: “I’m gonna tell them the truth… that I am falling in love with you.” Excellent work, counselor! Now go make out with him in a backlit archway—but do it fast because the last private concert of the season is already in session.
Group date! Who will get what Andi calls “the most important rose of the entire season”? Certainly Nick thinks it’s “his to lose”: “I’m not even a little intimidated by my competition,” he sniffs. The Bachelorette meets them at the ruins of a castle in the countryside—”So this was, like, all enclosed at one point in time?” marvels Dylan, who makes it abundantly clear he is not familiar with the concept of ruins. “The ruins stood the test of time,” he tells Team Bachelorette. “And now hopefully Andi and I’s relationship will stand the test of time.” Oh Dylan… if they stood the test of time, they wouldn’t be ruins. Sigh.
Andi puts the guys right to work, making them transport her via rail bike to the Maredsous Monastery, the proprietors of which I hope got a hefty location fee for allowing this godless reality TV program to film on their grounds. Anyhow, as soon as they get there, Andi takes Chris outside of the monastery walls to a pottery studio for some romantic Ghost action (the Maredsous’ “no kissing” rule doesn’t apply here). When the guys learn that whoever gets the date rose—which has been mocking them from its dark metal plate all day—will get a “mini one-on-one” with Andi and everyone else will be sent home, they all go from Cloud Nine to Nervous Nancy. (Thanks for that phrase, Chris.) All except Nick, of course, who tells his fellow competitors that he’s “confident” he’ll make it to hometowns. With all of the compelling villains this show has cast—your Bentleys, your Weses, hell, even your Kalons—it’s pretty disappointing that the best Team Bachelorette can do this season is a persnickety, condescending dude in a man-scarf.
Nick gets the rose. Cue the Reject Van f-bombs! (And the fireworks.)
NEXT: “I’m like, ‘You go, farmer.'”
When Nick gets back to the hotel, the remaining guys greet him with a tepid “What’s up, man?” and then a full 46 seconds of hate silence. Once they do start confronting him—for trying to get in their heads, for preying on the more insecure guys in the herd—Nick remains infuriatingly calm. Yes, he watched every episode of Desiree’s season—but only so he could find out “what the hell I was getting myself into,” not because he was plotting his Final Two/Becoming the Next Bachelor “strategy.” Of course Chris isn’t buying it, so he peppers him with insult bullets: Nick is a “gamer” who “interrupts” too much and is not there for the “Right ReasonsTM.” Nick shrugs, sulks, tells the guys the accusations “bug” him. Then he stares into Team Bachelorette‘s camera with his dark, hooded eyes and proclaims, “I’m pretty confident I’m going to end up with Andi.” Shudder.
The cocktail party is understandably tense and muted. “I think it’s between you, me, and Brian,” Dylan tells Chris, as they sit nervously in the luxurious sitting room, waiting for their one-on-one time. Chris admits to Andi that his home state of Iowa “will always be a big part of my life”—translation, If I win, you’re moving to Middle America, toots—and then tries to soften the blow by telling the Bachelorette that he’s “falling in love” with her. Dylan is a little less eloquent—getting a hometown date, he says, means Andi “can legit see that I can propose to you in three weeks”—and poor is Brian barely a few words in before Nick crashes his one-on-one time. (Somehow, Brian contains his rage, dismissing his rival with an icy, “Nicholas.”)
Rage Farmer to the rescue! Chris, realizing that you never get a second chance to make a last impression, pulls Andi out to the driveway for a pre-rose ceremony smooch. And she LOVES it: “I’m like, ‘You go, farmer.'”
In the end, Josh, Marcus, and Chris receive the coveted hometown buds, meaning Dylan and Brian will be going home alone. Oh Dylan, if only you had washed your hands (and your hair). And Brian, I think I’ll miss you and your dead eyes most of all. Next time a woman takes you to France to cook, don’t snap at her about mashed potatoes, okay? (And God only knows what would have happened if she learned about your weird pickle phobia.)
Well, rose lovers, what say you? Did Andi make the right choice? Will she ever see Nick for the d-bag that he is? And the most important question of all: big or small? Please reveal all in the comments below! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog over on PopWatch. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to crack open a jar of Vlasic.