Allison Holker Boss Opens Up in First Interview After tWitch's Death: 'He Wanted to Be Everyone's Superman'
Four months after losing her husband, the dancer shares in an exclusive interview with PEOPLE how she's coping — and finding new purpose — by helping others who are struggling silently
It's the simple moments with her late husband, Stephen "tWitch" Boss, that Allison Holker Boss misses most.
After a busy day at work, they'd often convene in the kitchen to cook dinner together. "Stephen would hold my back every time I walked past him," she recalls to PEOPLE in this week's issue.
Then at the dining table with their daughters Weslie, 14, and Zaia, 3, and son Maddox, 7, "we'd have so many random conversations, and there was so much laughter," the dancer and TV host continues. "Our love was so real and so loud. We always told people our house was like a choreographed dance."
On Dec. 13, the beloved Ellen DeGeneres Show deejay turned executive producer shocked fans and left loved ones reeling when he died by suicide at age 40.
"No one had any inkling that he was low. He didn't want people to know," says Allison, 35, in her first interview since her husband's death. "He just wanted to be everyone's Superman and protector."
Over the last few months, she's struggled to reconcile the "beautiful" life they built together with the pain she realizes he must have endured alone.
"It's been really hard because I can't understand what was happening in that moment [he died]," says Allison, who first met Stephen in 2010 when they appeared as All-Stars on Fox's competition series So You Think You Can Dance. (When they wed three years later, Stephen adopted Weslie, Allison's daughter from a previous relationship.)
Today, she still grapples with a "complex" web of emotions: sorrow, disappointment, love and anger. But as she works toward a place of peace, she's fueled by purpose.
"Stephen brought so much joy to this world, and he deserves to be remembered as the beautiful man he was," she says of continuing his legacy.
Related:Allison Holker Thanks Fans for 'Hope and Inspiration' After Death of Stephen 'tWitch' Boss
Earlier this year, she launched the Move with Kindness Foundation in his honor to support mental health initiatives. "We always hear, 'Reach out to the strongest people,' and I believe in that. But I also want the messaging to be that if you're feeling low or depressed, it's okay to lean on someone else," she says. "Trust that people are still going to see you as that light even in your darkest moments."
Through their work, Allison and Stephen had sought to spread hope and positivity together. "If I'm honest, when this happened I was really confused with what my new purpose was going to be," she says.
"Then I actually spoke to my friend, Andy Grammer, and I expressed to him, 'How am I going to still live out what I know is my purpose — love and joy — and has always been my family's purpose?'" she recalls. "He said, 'Allison, it's still your purpose. It just looks a bit different now — and it's a little more depth-filled.' I'll never forget that conversation because I feel like I knew it inside of me, but hearing it from a friend that I still have that purpose is helping me move forward as well."
Related:Allison Holker Celebrates Son Maddox's 7th Birthday with Family: 'We Share a Forever Bond'
Since losing Stephen, "I've had so many people — specifically men — reaching out to me, [saying] how they were so affected because they didn't realize how much they were holding on to and not expressing," she says. "I found that to be a lot to hold on to at first, but then I realized I want people to feel safe talking to me and to open up and understand that we have to support each other in these moments."
"I could allow myself to go to a really dark place right now, and that would be valid and fine," she adds. "But I want to choose a different way for myself and the kids."
In the first few weeks after Stephen's death, Allison's trauma manifested physically. "You're trying to help yourself and help your children and friends and family, and it took a toll," she says. "Literally getting up in the morning was getting harder and harder."
She began cold-plunging at night, which helped her body release the crippling tension. "It's now a part of my daily practice," she says. "Spiritually and mentally, it's really helped as well."
Losing the backbone of their family has created a new dynamic between Allison and her kids, one that's built on honest communication.
"I'm trying to teach them — and myself — that if you're angry or sad, it doesn't mean you're a bad person," she says. "We're coping together, and that requires trust and being really vulnerable."
Related:Allison Holker Celebrates 'Beautiful Memories Being Created' During Universal Trip with Her Kids
Their home is still a sanctuary, and Allison has left Stephen's things untouched. "He was such a family man, and there's so much of his love in this house," she says.
After a particularly difficult day in February, Allison stepped into their backyard to spend time with Stephen.
"Stars are so important to me because that's where we believe he is. I knew I wanted to have him find peace," she says. "I was under the stars by myself and I told him, 'I forgive you, and I hope you're with us.' Talking to him and expressing all those emotions of forgiveness and sadness but also love and joy was so healing."
Without her partner, Allison hasn't been able to return to the shared passion that first brought her and Stephen together.
"I haven't danced yet. That's gonna be a big step for me," she says, "but I know that I'll get there. He's guiding me on this path."
For more on how Allison Holker Boss and her kids are continuing the legacy of Stephen 'tWitch' Boss, pick up the latest issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday, or subscribe here.
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988, text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741741 or go to 988lifeline.org.
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