32 Best Quotes And Moments From Monty Python And The Holy Grail

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While not exact, one way to gauge a comedy movie’s popularity is by its number of familiar and oft-repeated lines of dialogue, and by those metrics alone, Monty Python and the Holy Grail would possibly be the most well-regarded film in the universe. (Even laymen martians can sing along to “Camelot Song,” I’m sure.) Attempting to list all of the 1975 release’s best quotes and moments might seem like a fool’s errand, but it’s a challenge that befits a worthy knight such as yours truly.

Having created one of the best sketch shows of all time, the six genius behind Monty Python — Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin — went on to tackle the King Arthur mythos with all the irreverence, silliness, surreal moments, and historical wit that fans already came to expect from the gents. And thus, all manner of grail-shaped comedy gold was made.

Moose And Llamas In The Opening Credits

Rather than starting with traditional opening credits, directors Terry Gilliam and the late Terry Jones opted to go the opposite direction by running the end credits first, while also throwing some animal-related chaos into the mix. As soon as the unidentified narrator brings his sister up, all bets are off, and the text jokes build to quite the colorful crescendo.

The First Time Audiences See Coconuts Instead Of Horses

Perhaps Holy Grail’s most lasting and universally beloved gag is the fact that its characters are never seen riding on horseback, but instead are galloping around while clapping coconut halves together to mimic the sound of horses’ hooves. Michael Palin is credited with the cost-saving idea, and it's one that never loses its charm.

“Are You Suggesting Coconuts Migrate?”

Arthur’s first attempt to meet with fellow leaders is thwarted by a soldier who takes issue with Patsy’s having access to coconuts despite not having traveled to a non-tropical locale, and also takes issue with the idea that your average swallow, or small group of them, would be able to carry the fruit across large distances. Now if we’re talking African swallows…

“I Feel Happyyy! I Feel Happyyy!”

While “Bring out yer dead!” is one of Monty Python and the Holy Grail’s most popular lines and scenes, it’s the unabashed optimism and hope emanating from the not-dead-yet man that wins out. Alas, that happiness is soon followed by a big klonk to the noggin, and his happiness is no more.

King Arthur Meeting 37-Year-Old Dennis

Graham Chapman’s King Arthur soon discovers how quickly assumptions can land him in unwanted conversations when he wrongfully misgenders and mis-ages working class thirtysomething Dennis — “I’m only 37, I’m not old.” — and quickly finds it impossible to assert his authority with those who see right through it and the entire system.

“Listen, Strange Women Lying In Ponds Distributing Swords Is No Basis For A System Of Government.”

An idea that sparked a political movement, at least in jokey meme form, Dennis’ unique description of the mythical Lady of the Lake and others mentioned soon after are perfect examples of the Python troupe’s A+ writing skills and ability to one-up their own jokes.

The Entire Black Knight Scene

You shall have no quarrel with this pick, good Sir Reader, for the Black Knight is possibly the most widely known of any character beyond Arthur himself, from his ceaseless defiance — “Just a flesh wound.” — to his admirable ability to lose limbs and keep on ticking. One wonders how he would have paid off his final threat to bite Arthur’s legs off without any hands to lift his helmet’s visor.

The Great And Logical Witch Debate

If only all scientific, religious, and moral debates could be solved by figuring out what weighs the same as something else. It probably wouldn’t work very well for society, and definitely not for women in this case. As such, it’s probably best that morons like these aren’t in charge of anything.

“If She Weighs The Same As A Duck, She’s Made Of Wood”

In the scheme of things, accusing someone of witchery for being made of wood and weighing the same as a duck is kind of on par with the supernatural-esque accusations that women suffered in days past. It’s also amusing to think that this entire argument could be stunted by asking, “What sized duck?”

Sir Not Appearing In This Film

The already excellent storybook aesthetic is possibly best remembered for Sir Robin’s extended description, but its most adorable, logic-thwarting addition is this cutie pie’s appearance. Or would it really be a non-appearance?

“It’s only a model.”

Meta-dialogue before meta-dialogue was the norm, Patsy’s comment hilariously speaks to the reality of the production itself, which only had access to so many real-life castles, and had to make do with models for other on-screen examples. The fact that Patsy is shushed for spreading cinematic life hacks is just as hilarious as the reveal.

The Camelot Song

One of the most beloved tunes in all of the Monty Python troupe’s musical oeuvre, “The Camelot Song” is a jaunty toe-tapper that rhymes Camelot with “diaphragm a lot” and “push the pram a lot.” It’s probably where I first learned what a pram even is.

The French Taunting Knight’s Whole Vibe

The Holy Grail character who most deserves his own soundboard, John Cleese’s French knight speaks only in quotable lines, such as “I fart in your general direction," and “Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.” Which is the burn to end all burns for anyone whose father did smell of elderberries.

“Um, look, if we built this large wooden badger…”

The Trojan Horse may have been a historical hallmark, but the Trojan Rabbit never stood a chance. So it's no mystery why Sir Bedevere's follow-up suggestion for building another hollowed-out mammal immediately hit the rubbish bin.

The Fact That The Movie Is Set In Modern Times

Perhaps the most surprisingly element about this entire movie is the sporadically referenced subplot that reveals fairly early on (around the 32-minute mark) that everything that's happening with King Arthur's quest is actually taking place in the modern day, and not so many centuries ago. Which certainly makes one wonder how characters such as Dennis and others are still around in their current capacities.

Sir Robin’s Entrance Song

Echoing his storybook accolades, Sir Robin's introduction song (performed by Neil Innes) is a hilarious laundry list of the knight's least courageous exploits and shames. It sounds particularly painful to have one's "kneecaps split" or "bowels unplugged" or "bottom burned off." I guess he can't be fully blamed for being scared away.

“Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot.”

Upon arriving at Castle Anthrax, Michael Palin's gallant knight introduces himself as "Sir Galahad the Chaste," which sparks Carol Cleveland's alluring character Zoot to offer up her more limited greeting, indicating where the rest of the scene is heading.

The Knights Who Say Ni

Ni! Ni! Ni! Ahem, this randomly absurd batch of characters is one of the many unique pleasures of watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Possibly also some of the least historically accurate characters in any Arthurian tale, but all is forgiven.

“What, The Curtains?”

Terry Jones' Prince Herbert just wants to sing, despite others' disapproval, but he also gets one of the film's easy-to-miss jokes. As the Lord of Swamp Castle attempts to make his son appreciate his future kingdom, Herbert assumes his father is only gesturing towards the window curtains. Amelia Bedelia would have also been fooled.

The Guard Who's Terrible With Directions

A scene that speaks to the comedic acting wizardry of these actors, this overtly farcical exchange would have been far more cringeworthy in other films, but it's the jubilant loyalty of Idle's dimwitted guard that makes this moment so memorable.

Sir Lancelot's Time-Stretched Run To The Castle

One of many Holy Grail moments that breaks with reality for the sake of nailing a joke, Sir Lancelot's extended advance towards Swamp Castle very obviously cuts back to the same piece of footage repeatedly, which makes his sudden (and violent) arrival at the door all the more hilarious.

Sir Lancelot Instantly Regretting The Massacre

Sir Lancelot completely destroys the Swamp Castle wedding, injuring a wide variety of its attendees, under the belief that he is saving a damsel in distress. But upon realizing his plight was all for Prince Herbert's hand, Lancelot is hilariously struck by an instant heap of regretful guilt, if not genuine remorse.

Sir Bedevere Messing Up 'Ni'

There's something weirdly charming about Sir Bedevere's naivety, and his seeming obliviousness to it, which is arguably showcased best during his botched attempt to threaten Bee Duffell's Old Crone, sternly mispronouncing "Ni" as "Nuuuu." He got it eventually, though.

“There are some who call me…Tim.”

Someone whose existence is all the more questionable by the end of the movie, John Cleese's teleporting and fireball-blasting conjurer is as wonderfully random and unique as other characters. But don't expect this magical mustachioed man to boast a memorable moniker. He's just Tim the Enchanter.

The White Rabbit Mayhem

The Holy Grail is hard to track down given its potential to look like a completely normal chalice. Similarly, the beast guarding the cave could easily be mistaken for a cutesy-wootsy bunny-wunny, instead of a trespasser's worst nightmare albeit the cutest possible version of that nightmare.

How To Use The Holy Hand Grenade

It's a good thing being a legendary king doesn't necessitate the ability to consistently count correctly, or else King Arthur would be a goner. But I guess I can't blame him for misunderstanding the loony instructions that come with using Brother Maynard's holy hand grenade.

Castle Aarrgh

I still can't help but laugh thinking about Joseph of Arimathea being fatally interrupted while scrawling directions onto a cave's wall, and still choosing to physically write out his final exclamation of "Aarrgh" to end the message. This may not be the first instance of this specific kind of textual gag, but it's possibly the best. Plus, his directions were right on the money, even if it wasn't what Arthur and Bedevere were hoping for.

The Knights Surviving The Beast Via Animator Health Problems

Sir Robin's Exit At The Bridge

Having had his reputation dumped on throughout the movie, Eric Idle's Sir Robin attempted to gain some clout at the bridge, believing he'd be able to swiftly answer the keeper's questions without issue. Naturally, that didn't happen, and he was sent screaming into the smoky depths for not knowing the capital of Assyria. (It's Assur.)

The Intermission

I can only imagine what early viewers must have thought upon watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail whenever the "Intermission" title card and music popped up after the scene at the bridge. Considering those kinds of breaks are usually limited to longer stage performances and films whose lengths justify mid-action relief, there had to have been some confusion and at least a few people who warily attempted to take a bathroom trip before the next scene suddenly started.

The Return Of The French Taunters

Just when King Arthur and Sir Bedevere probably thought it was safe to stop worrying about being endlessly ridiculed by one or more Frenchman, then came the no doubt disappointing discovery that Castle Aarrgh wasn't home to the long-sought Holy Grail, but rather a bunch of French knights who had no interest in appeasing their English visitors. They did have some fun zingers, though, including calling the knights “Tiny brained wipers of other people’s bottoms.”

The Lack Of A Proper Ending

Though occasionally seen as a detriment, Holy Grail’s timeline-shifted ending remains one of the more baffling comedy conclusions in any medium and is more in line with a Flying Circus sketch than a film. But what better way to end a movie about a mythical item than with stark realism and three minutes of darkness where the closing credits would usually be? In that way, it’s downright perfect.