When Your Teen Won't Stop Sexting
Sexting is all about conveniently connecting intimately -- sharing sexual material, such as a picture or video, via mobile device or through a social networking app -- and it's not just adults who are doing it. Teens are also sexting.
While adults are more likely to sext than teens, studies indicate that between 7 and 28 percent of adolescents sext. In fact, research from the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston suggests that sexting may become a normal part of adolescent sexual development. In the past, sexual development was much more discreet. But now with about three-quarters of the adolescent population having access to a cell phone, according to the Pew Research Center, parents must be vigilant in protecting their youth from online dangers. That includes addressing sexting behaviors.
Parents don't have to be technologically proficient to talk with their teens about sexting. In fact, the conversation shouldn't be about technology. Rather discussions should be centered around values, expectations, appropriate online behavior, online privacy and good decision-making. As sexting becomes increasingly common, these conversations need to occur sooner rather than later.
[See: 10 Ways to Broach the Subject of Sex With Your Teen.]
Unfortunately, many parents find out after the fact that their teen has been sexting. Though this news can be burdensome and overwhelming, it's not the end of the world. The first thing to remember is not to panic. Society is becoming more understanding that teens are sexually curious, and sexting is one way some teens try to satisfy that curiosity.
Over the years, the law has also become more understanding of adolescent sexting. What once was a felony, in many states, is now a misdemeanor. According to research in the Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law, many states have enacted legislation to help differentiate between child pornography and sexting by minors. Unfortunately, some states have not adopted laws to fit the times. So, it's important to become familiar with specific state laws regarding sexting.
Aside from potential legal ramifications, research in the journal Pediatrics suggests a correlation between teens who send sexts and sexual activity. Teens who send sexually explicit photos of themselves are at increased risk of becoming sexually active a year later. So, in addition to the worry that sexually explicit pictures could be shared online, there is great concern about sexting leading to sexual promiscuity, which can increase the risk of sexually transmitted disease transmission and teen pregnancy.
As a professional counselor, I am no stranger to the fallout from sexting. I often advise parents who are at their wits' end, having tried everything to get their teens to quit sexting. Just recently I spoke with a father desperately trying to keep his adolescent daughter from destroying her reputation. He agreed to let me share his story and advice I gave him in hopes of helping other parents in a similar situation.
The father says his daughter, now 16, has been sending pictures and videos of herself masturbating to at least one boy for the past three years. "I have done everything in the world you can think of to get her to stop. She will not stop even if I take away all of her electronic devices and fully explain the downside of sexting," he says. He and his wife have had numerous heartfelt talks with their daughter to no avail. His daughter has even gone to trouble of using a friend's phone to send explicit videos of herself.
She's grown up in a social environment and been encouraged to make friends and have meaningful relationships. "Unfortunately, she has very few friends and has no outlet, such as a sport or any other activity," her father says. "We always tried to encourage her to be social, but she will only be social with boys. She refuses to try and change her life for the better." She admitted to her father that she feels no shame or guilt for sexting. "She is not afraid of any consequence," he says, and she refuses to stop.
[Read: How to Keep Teens From Turning Their Smartphones Into Weapons.]
While there's no simple way to curb adolescent sexting, as in the case of this teen, it's important to pay attention to factors that may lead youth to sext. In this particular case, the daughter's feelings of low self-worth or self-esteem, insecurity and lack of friendships may all play a role.
Keeping these themes in mind, here are seven ways parents can deter their teens from sexting:
First, figure out why your teen is sexting. Remember that all behavior is purposeful. Your teen is acting this way for a reason. As you scratch your head trying to figure it out, ask yourself this question: What is she getting out of sexting? Is sexting providing her with peer approval, making her feel attractive, increasing her popularity, boosting her self-esteem or satisfying her sexual curiosity? Once you understand what your teen is getting out of sexting, you'll be in a better position to talk to her about the perils of sending sexually explicit images.
Connect your child with a positive role model. I advised the father who sought my advice to link his daughter with a strong positive female mentor. With many college students home for the summer, you may be able to find a student who has ambitious goals and a strong sense of values and morals. As we know from social learning theory, if your child can connect with a positive peer, he may start to model and alter his behavior and make better choices. Research published in the International Journal of Cyber Criminology shows that when teens associate with a negative peer group, they are more likely to engage in sexting. Peers who take more risks create an environment that supports deviant behavior, like sexting. So, the more positive peer relationships, the less likely your teen is to engage in sexting.
Help your child to feel more confident. It's summer and there are lots of activities to occupy bored youth; find something fun and engaging for your teen. If your child finds something that he's good at that will boost his self-confidence, which could reduce the likelihood he'll be inclined to sext.
Consider pet therapy. If your child is struggling with low self-esteem or doesn't feel like she fits in, have her volunteer at a local animal shelter. With the abundance of new puppies and kittens arriving on regular basis, shelters need a few extra hands. Taking care of a furry friend that is dependent on her may give her a sense of being loved and needed.
Start fresh. Sometimes kids (like adults) just need to hit the reset button. Is your child being picked on or harassed, or has your teen's reputation suffered from sexting? If so, your child may not feel it's possible to change, and that way of thinking can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In some cases, when a child's reputation has been seriously damaged and he or she isn't able to make a fresh start, a change of schools may be needed for the child to start over and make new, healthy friendships.
Encourage your child to lean into positive friendships. Good friends are important to teens. A teen who doesn't feel connected may grasp at ways to feel accepted, including sexting. Sometimes kids take advantage of peers' desires for acceptance, like by pushing them to share sexually explicit images. If another kid does that to your child, they're no friend at all. So be supportive of your child when he or she seeks to develop new, healthier relationships.
Hold on tight. The daughter who was sexting is confused and trying to figure out who she is. She needs to feel the unconditional love of both her father and mother. I advised her father to continue to let her know she is worthy, special and loved. Research has shown time and time again that even when we feel like our teens aren't listening to us, they really are.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids' Health.]
Often teens don't see the big picture. They live in the moment and don't think through the consequences of their actions. In fact, it's normal for adolescents, whose brains are still developing, to act before they think. It's only after they have been stung by the aftermath of sexting that they regret their actions. Don't assume that your child won't sext. Rather, keep the lines of communication open. When it comes to sexting, it's better to be proactive than reactive.
Raychelle Cassada Lohmann, M.S., LPC, GCDF is a professional counselor and author of numerous books, including "The Anger Workbook for Teens," "The Bullying Workbook for Teens" and "The Sexual Trauma Workbook for Teen Girls." Raychelle has expertise in a wide range of issues affecting adolescents, from anxiety and depression to sexual abuse and cyberbullying. She also writes the "Teen Angst" blog for Psychology Today.